Personal Remarks on the Essay (09/10)

In Retrospect 26
This post contains two extracts from two separate posts, in which I comment on the essay after its completion. They've been placed here for convenience' sake for the Folio.

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From [PROMPT 8] #36: Eighth Prompt - Hot Air and Reaching, posted 25/09/20:
"A lot of my other blog posts are me blabbing on about class and my opinions to things, but at least they have a bit of energy and enthusiasm to them. Sure they might carry that air of cockiness but it's a fun little element to them, it knows that sometimes I can be contradictory or a little reachy but it's all in good fun and stuff for me to talk about. But when a published article ... has hot air, that talks about things that are a bit of a stretch, trying to make the author seem smart, then it's a bit of a problem.

I am a little worried my piece is like that. I was very focused on the idea that it's an emotionally raw and sort of risqué piece amongst the anthology, sliding in alongside the more scientific pieces of Angus' and Neil's, but I do get a bit self conscious sometimes that it seems like a work that would fit into a Take 5 or That's Life! magazine used when sitting on the toilet. It's important to me that a piece imparts a message, has some kind of value to it. Streams of consciousness that simply explore an idea can be fine sometimes but they need to be careful that they're not a waste of time to the reader." 

From [PROMPT 9] #39: Ninth Prompt - A Revelation in Writing Practice, posted 05/10/20:
"I figured that my Nonfiction essay for Plague Stories was going to be something educational, probably research about the Black Plague (since I thought that's all it could be), and with the word "I" in it to make it uh... personal? Creative? Surely that was what it meant."

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"The early drafts and first submission of this essay were segmented, controlled. Clear boundaries marking where sections stopped. Distinct separation of topics combined under one umbrella. It was formulaic. Had a little spunk in it, a little bit of me, but still, quite... rigid. I wanted to cover all my bases "just in case". Wanted to make it educational "just in case". I thought I understood what I was doing in this "creative" nonfiction essay.

"Creative" was just a little additive word in the term "nonfiction essay". Like a dismissive "Oh yeah, chuck that snack into the trolley, sure". Open it up a little for people who really cared about that stuff. I didn't understand what it meant, or what it could do for me.

The first few weeks were stressful for me. I knew that something that looked like my Final, that was (hopefully) going to be published in the book, was going to exist. But I had no idea what it was going to look like. I started to stress out. I just wanted to black out and wake up with a copy of it in front of me. Time pass without my knowledge.

But it wouldn't just exist without me. I had to build it with my own two hands." 

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"I was self-conscious about it at first. Why should anybody care about this event that happened to me in my relationships? It wasn't about something depressingly painful, like a body or mental illness, or an account of abuse, or the story of someone who does heroic deeds. It was just about an average girl struggling with her feelings in what seemed to be a love triangle. Haven't we seen this plot everywhere before? What validates this story's existence?

I've come to realise where all of these harsh words come from. At the root of all these barriers and stereotypes and such, were my own self-doubts and insecurities. Fear that nonfiction writing wouldn't lead anywhere. It felt like you needed to have an already-established audience for anything you do or say to matter. It didn't feel like a path worth pursuing, then.

Nonfiction writing's been a lot more fun, and freeing than I thought it would be. That's the revelation I've had here. Yes, there's been struggle, pain, repeating myself over and retrying, but I'm proud of the progress I've made in this damn course. Honestly it's kinda like a shower, you don't want to have it until you get in there and suddenly you don't want to leave the warm water.

I'm damn proud of my work. And I'm bloody proud of all the other essays standing alongside in my anthology. We survived it through this year, and another year of our program. We have something to show for it. We made bonds with each other.

I'm so thankful of the encouragement I've received during this production. The praise, the suggestions, the feedback. It's developed confidence in my abilities as a nonfiction writer (not primarily, just as someone who WRITES nonfiction) and made me open to... y'know? Doing it again. And doing it again in the future. A lot more times.

So yeah. Looking forward to checking out what I can write to submit to publications in the future... nonfiction naturally included."