[MISC] #38: Receiving Feedback - Workshopping vs Online Reviewers

One month ago, Beau reflected on what he had learnt from his editor's response to his essay. I hadn't left a comment at the time, however I did remark on his post in my equivalent one, which... honestly, might've belittled his anxieties a little? I tried not to, but upon reading it back again, it could be construed that way. I think I was relieved that I didn't feel I didn't have to feel like I was desperately scratching and grabbing any surface I could to avoid being dragged to the experience of receiving feedback from my editor.

But recently, I did have that experience.

It was for some reviews to an old fanfiction I wrote.

I'm definitely not going to link it here, but I'll tell the story. Recently, I was checking on my old Fanfiction.net account when I noticed one fanfiction had two new reviews. That was surprising. I expected them to be remarks on the humour in the story.

They... they weren't.

One reviewer had written two very harsh, critical reviews, pointing out the flaws in my story. Not a single positive comment -- not even a "thanks for sharing". Seeing those paragraphs on my screen at first, and the first few lines of critique, I shielded my gaze like it was the sun -- I was cringing. Hard.

It took me a few minutes, but I ripped off those bandaids, giving into my burning curiosity and read them.

He was critiquing the two latest chapters -- well, pages, would be more accurate. The first was remarking on the last real chapter, which was the part 2 of half of a fic I had started in 2015 and didn't complete until April 2019. The writing had taken on a drastic tonal shift, as if it had been written by some other person. It tried to wrap up the series as a whole far too quickly. The couple, which had been on a fairly slow burn, suddenly got together in the NSFW sense. Admittedly, it was my way of trying to hastily cap off the series, but it did sting, hearing those words.

The second page was a "demo" I uploaded in 2020, showcasing some pieces of writing from an abandoned project that I was testing to see peoples' reactions to. Because they were merely fragments with little context (that was meant to invoke their curiosity), the reviewer criticised their out-of-placeness and -- what hurt me most -- was that the characters I had re-designed were even more shallow than before. And before, the 6 main characters were all such archetypes that you could sum up in a few words each.

Perhaps the most striking line from this reviewer's two original posts was, "This isn't Vanguard. This is just some young adult romantic drama". And second up would be, "This reeks of the author's wish fulfilment"...

My... my heart sank. And then I started to feel angry. Why bother commenting, I thought. If you didn't like it, then all you had to do was stop reading! And didn't he get the point of a demo?! It's a demo, with fragments! And they were clearly written by a young teenager! Give her an excuse!

I ended up making a full chapter post out of politeness, addressing his points (the full name the anonymous (non-account-holding) person had was very much masculine), and calling him out on the lack of positivity in his posts. Had I been a non-writer, why, I might've been crushed right then!

That whole paragraph makes it sound like he had "besmirched my honour", and in fact, it felt that way. On the exterior, like a shell. On the interior, I was cringing at my mistakes, at having heard such words.

The day after that upload, I was terrified.

I did not want to see his response.

I asked my boyfriend, N, to check for me.

No new reviews.

Phew.

But a few days after that?

The review count had gone up.

That Sunday morning, I cringed exceptionally hard. My curiosity burned for me to read. My cringing self couldn't do it. I called G in the afternoon, and whined about it to him. After a lot of struggle, hands shuddering, pained expression on my face, and with him spiritually by my side, I sucked it up and clicked to see the page.

Twice, perhaps thrice as many paragraphs formed his response in a single review.

I noped out, turning away from the computer, even just seeing the first few lines that dismantled one of my comebacks.

I wondered if I had grown soft. These workshopping lessons have left me with a ridiculous expectation that reviews should always come with a healthy amount of praise. Or maybe that's just because my writing was good in class and wasn't fanfiction? Either way, that expectation apparently panned out to every single literature reviewer/commenter on the internet. Apparently it's like a universal truth or something.

It wasn't.

I made a terrifying realisation as my eyes quickly skimmed his post. Perhaps scaring me into never writing fanfiction again.

Writing fanfiction can be downright scary, because when you have hotly passionate fans who find issue with your work, who know their beloved work inside and out, they can be ruthless in their words. This doesn't apply to some of the more "sane", mature media -- it's more so the fandoms people grew up with over the course of their life, typically meant for children? Sonic the Hedgehog. Super Mario. Probably Pokemon. Harry Potter.

After much cringing, self-hatred, constant backing away and noping out, I managed to finally read the damn words on the page. My eyes were peeled open, like a torturer was forcing my eyelids open. Unblinking, I swiftly read over and consumed every word.

And then, I snapped Pandora's Box shut.

A few minutes later, I managed to return to it, read it a little more slowly, still with a healthy dose of self-doubt and hatred, and then put it away -- out of sight, out of mind. I had more pressing assignments to address. I had sated my curiosity. The cat died but satisfaction brought it back.

Those reviews were a stark reminder of what I've been so deathly afraid of. Negative criticism. They transport me back to that day in Grade 2, my work up on the light box projector, classmates laughing as they pointed out my countless mistakes. Seeing a blur of red marker through my tears. Being tricked into thinking it was good enough to be an excellent example.

That piece was about my teachers learning how to ballroom dance together. It was the most stupid, but most personal thing I had ever written at the time, showing my adoration for these role models in my day to day life.

...

So where does that leave me, today?

It's been a week since the fact, I've been so bogged down by an essay assignment that I totally forgot about it until now, this Sunday, after having finished and submitted my essay a few hours ago. I knew I wanted to write about it here, just hadn't gotten the time until now.

I don't know of any big-name authors who write fanfiction in their spare time, let alone make fan works after their original work was successful. Toby Fox kicked off most notably with a romhack for Earthbound, then worked on Homestuck, before eventually creating Undertale. Mmn... that's the only example that comes to mind right now, I guess.

I don't want to NOT create fan work -- I definitely want to make the fangame for OFF I keep thinking about in the background, featuring this lovely cricketer down below, plus fanart doodles in my spare time... and heck, maybe some fanfiction if I want to, for a serious piece of media. I guess I feel like I might not need to rely on writing fanfiction like I did in my early teens any more -- my original writing has proven it has its own merits, it CAN stand up on its own two feet and doesn't need the existence of another piece of media to justify its existence.

Those words sound familiar to me... I think that was part of my pledge or vow to myself, some months ago. Or maybe last year.

A final message would be... I'm sorry if I offended you with my earlier post, Beau. I might've been a little insensitive back there, and I didn't mean to be. I understand more now that people have different reactions to receiving feedback, and it can even be drastically different depending on where it comes from. I hope receiving feedback becomes easier for you in the future. You really are a talented writer. I love your piece, it makes me laugh and it's very easy to read too. I'm sure it'll capture the hearts of readers, particularly the gamers, who read our anthology.

Anyway. Here's the photo of the Batsman, fan character of Mortis Ghost's OFF, in which the main character is a baseball-uniformed man called the Batter. That's all for me! See ya.

-Katie, the Plague Wanderer.