Final Draft Workshopping - A Moral Way to Cope (18/09)

In Retrospect 24
This is a streamlined version of [CLASS] #34: Friday September 18th Class for the purpose of this Folio. It was originally uploaded on 19/09/20, but has been changed to 18/09/20 for when the actual class took place.

In this class, we workshopped our Final Drafts with each other. I was pleased with the majority of feedback I received, however there was still some edits I needed to make to it. Adding in a final missing element that was present in the original Subject 3 draft (the hoodie scene) and erasing the parts that directly address the reader to avoid a jarring effect.

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Today, we work shopped in class. I was in Group 2, with Ewen, Jake, Joey, Max, and Miriam! Here was their feedback for my Final Draft:

Joey: Loved the way I wrote "Oh no. Fuck."

Miriam: Likes the changes I've made. I've expanded into this moral conundrum and how things get more complicated. There's a real sense of self interrogation, but not self judgement, which is good. If there was the sense where I was being harsh on myself, it would alienate the reader. But because I approach with a sense of compassion towards myself, and the greyer, moral implications, it's inviting to the reader and encourages them to think about their preconceptions in a more open way. Because at the moment, relationships are being put to the test in a lot of ways, and [this shows] what that can look like, and that it's not necessarily a bad thing, if you start doing things in a way that evolves and isn't the prescribed way to go about your relationships. Miriam thinks it's a really fascinating read. 

There was one thing she noticed that changed between this and the last draft she read. "In between forehead and cheek pecks"... she remembers that in another draft, I really built up to when I was being more affectionate on the park bench. This paragraph minimises the steps I took to increase that intimacy, it feels like a build up here was missing from a previous draft. The build up was so impactful and effective, and then she noticed it was missing.

Ewen: Remembers that build up as well. Overall, the piece is really gripping and works really well. Thinks if I need some words, the section where I address the reader directly seems a bit jarring and out of nowhere, so I could cut them out and just have the dinkus.

Really loved the way I described it, just one day. It felt like a relationship that had been going on for months or something.

Miriam: Can see where Ewen is coming from about the intermission break. Like how it shifts the reader's gaze onto themselves, "judge not lest you be judged", but I feel like if it's just an intermission, I could reduce it a little bit to be more explicit. "Where are you reading this from anyway, dear reader? Have you done anything you're not proud of?" That's the key part of this that gets a little muddy in a section, but it's a poignant flip that could be brief and to the point.

Jake: Thinks that reader self-interrogation is implied in other parts of the essay. The intermission was jolting for him because he was diving into a really intimate, intense setting, that it felt like I strayed from this voice to defer it to someone else. Miriam's right, I should still ask about the reader but weave it in elsewhere. I still have a very clean string of narrative.

Miriam: Can agree with that. Rather than being so straight to the point and blunt, she thinks there is that subtle question. As people read my experience, they're thinking about their own, "What would I do?" If I feel good about it, I could cut the section out. The piece has a really excellent flow, and the previous drafts had an in and out quality. She agrees with Jake, the flow stays.

I took on board these feedback I had received, cutting out the direct questions and other points speaking directly to the reader, and added in the build up I noticed in a previous draft - trying on G's hoodie before we cuddled on the bench. I made it into a sub-plot by rounding out my Sister's story and this little inclusion at the end, when I ask her to sniff my hoodie and she's disgusted with me, even though she made me sniff her boyfriend's sweaters and scent on her too.