Friday Workshopping - Withdrawal Symptoms (07/08)

In Retrospect 9
This post is an extract from [CLASS] #14: Friday August 7th Class. It was originally uploaded 11/08/20, but has been changed to the day the class was held, 07/08/20.

There was a positive response to the memoir and sort of YA voice, but not so great towards the numbers. I needed to give them more depth or meaning, or get rid of them and substitute with words, because they were distracting. I was surprised by this, given I thought they were helpful in Jennifer Mills' review, but I nevertheless resolved to change them. I was surprised by how many people enjoyed the Coles thing... at this point in time, I had still hidden away the Club X part of the trip, but I was becoming more confident and excited about seeing people's reactions to it so I was mustering up the courage to put it in.

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The entire day was all about workshopping. We listened to other people's work, and everybody got to say two things:

1. A sentence they loved from it and why
2. Helpful Criticism - What people wanted to see more of or where there issues in the writing, also any suggestions and answers to questions the author had if there was time.

I'll note down what everybody said for my bit here. I might not get everything people said because my hand was sweaty and moving across the page as fast as Sonic the Hedgehog, but slow. I did my best! First mentions of people's names will be hyperlinked to their blogs. I also want to do a copy-and-paste write up of everybody's work, with sentences that I loved, just like what David did! There were some super awesome bits out there that deserve to be showcased.

SENTENCES (AND OTHER TIDBITS)
Jake - Loved "Had I been shorter and perhaps kept isolated for a couple years longer, I might have turned into a Gollum where my "precious" was physical affection." The piece contained very sweet moments of tenderness and was very human.

Violette - Loved "We stepped into Coles for some dental floss I needed to buy. Appealing mundane moment.

Cushla & Shane - "academic guillotine of deadlines". Very personal, good sense of me.

Chloe - "Someone who winds up... Someone who regrets... Someone who spends..."

Cushla - Use of dates was great. Transmission rates information was grounding.

Beau - Really liked the voice of the whole piece, YA (Young Adult) tone.

Max - "After several months of remaining at home, unable to find a summer job, here I was - returning home to study." Great sense of irony. Really liked it.

Cushla - Slipped into something cute and romantic.

Angus - Dental floss paragraph shows how sure I am of the voice. It very easily pulls you in, gives a strong sense of person. It very easily pulls you in, gives a strong sense of person.

Also liked the description of the quasi-date situation. Thought there was a bit of humour in the detail - mundanity of Coles, Officeworks, Dymocks. Lots of humour in there to play with, after a sense of having stayed in for far too long. Trip in the CBD to places you take for granted.

HELPFUL CRITICISM
Jake - Got plenty to work with. Second vignette should be where we should be placed initially, the piece doesn't need so much COVID context. Mesh parts 1 & 2 together if need be.

There is a looming presence of capitalism in this essay due to the shops and pressure to be productive.

Max - Would like more of the social aspect rather than the academic. Bring more anecdotes for society.

Angus - Theme is withdrawal of touch. Touch deprivation. Spend more time on how that deprivation feels. Try a consumer kind of commentary?

Shane - Numbers are intriguing but distracting. More of parts 3 & 4, get the context in 1 across differently. Parts 3 & 4 are very personal and readable.

The vampire line "All my body could do was demand for more, the way a vampire can't stop until it drains its victims entirely" didn't fit very well.

Max - Don't include the numbers. More anecdotes.

Jake - Stream of consciousness writing was good.

Violette - The direct tone was quite deadpan and funny. In the middle, I became a bit self-referential, it might not work there. Bring it up earlier, "When I look back". Shane agrees.

Chloe - Looking at your sentence: "Upon looking back at it now from a distance, it's funny how individuals can make such startlingly bad decisions and not recognise it, hey?" - I think you could lean into that questioning, speculation of human behaviour as a collective. Jake agrees.

Angus - Perhaps you could describe your process, anxiety and horror at trying to produce words in this weird situation? How does touch starvation affect the writing process?

Beau - Piece has a narrative sense to it except for the opening, number 1. A mantra for fiction - start where the action is. Part 1 feels like a prologue, unnecessary info. Cut it. with the extra word count, add more detail to the personal and social aspects.

Jake - The very intimate moments worked very well.

Cushla - The dates were good, liked them. The piece slipped into a cute, romantic YA situation, which was nice but a bit jarring compared to the intro and ending.

Jake - There does seem to be a YA voice. Try experimenting with form again, maybe go for journal entries (helps with the dates?).

Chloe - Look into speculating about human behaviour.

Violette, Max & co. want more of G.

Max - Rather than separating the piece into interconnecting 'chapters', maybe find a way to closely entangle those plot points?

Violette - Remember that there are other themes beyond yourself, like touch starvation etc.