First Draft Feedback from David & Carly (21/08)

In Retrospect 16
This post was originally part of [CLASS/ESSAY/PROMPT 5] #22: Friday August 21st & Wednesday 26th Classes / Fifth Prompt - Essay Feedback & My Remarks. It has been split into two halves and possibly streamlined. The original post was uploaded on 27/08/20, but has been corrected here to 21/08/20.

I received feedback from David and Carly on Friday about the First Draft I had submitted. Was pleased that it was fairly positive, just needed a few tweaks here and there. Grew more and more open to reflecting on the G date.

------------------------------

Section 1 (Friday): Carly's Feedback - Thoughts & Comments!

Okay! So, kicking off, on Friday morning, I got my feedback back from my editor! Justine had to step down, and so Carly took over. Hello Carly, if you're reading!! Thanks again for your feedback!

I'll walk through what she said slowly and add my comments in.

"I enjoyed this honest and empathetic piece. I felt like it had an authentic voice which connected with me as a reader. I took away a sense of your experience, and found myself reflecting upon how I had experienced some similar thought-patterns during this period."

I'm really glad she liked it, and that it encouraged her to reflect on her own thought patterns during this time!

"The exploration of touch deprivation is a timely theme and will resonate with a lot of people. The sense of reduced motivation/burnout is another that you explored with depth."

It was great to hear this, I'm so happy my themes and the sense of reduced motivation/burnout were relevant and I explored these concepts well.

"I would be keen to see some further teasing out of the loneliness component in terms of your personal experience, perhaps drilling down a little bit more into the particular—a moment or scene which stands out for you."

I would've thought the loneliness aspect was already present enough, since I explicitly mentioned it, but I see I might need to delve into it a little more. How do I feel lonely in my household?

"I think your piece would be enhanced if you’re able to structure it by situating these themes more clearly within the context of broader social issues. Your personal experiences could then be a window to link into these wider social issues."

Yeah, this was a fair comment. I think this is a good idea, talking about the macro (broader social issues) and the micro (personal experience) stuff. It might end up becoming a braided structure? I don't know why I felt a slight aversion to making it braided though just now... maybe because a lot of people are doing it.

"I believe you don’t have to conform to a linear structure. You could try organising the narrative under different sub headings to give it a little more structure, or even just playing with the order of the narrative to nestle the various components as more distinctly grouped, and having clear breaks in between in part. You have some brilliant nuggets of research that I think you can pull out almost as sign posts at the beginning to each corresponding section/theme in the narrative, which might make the transitions between the personal and the factual work a bit more smoothly. I feel this slight recasting would lift up both aspects of your piece —the personal and the factual/wider social issues—and give them greater credibility with the reader."

I understand this comment. I was having trouble with the structure and felt discouraged when my peers told me the numbered sections was distracting. But we'll see how it goes if I write it like this!

Being able to use subheadings would help me better wrap my head around this piece. Having the permission to do it makes me relieved. Phew!

"I though[t] you successfully created tension with the build-up to meeting G and the ‘will they, won’t they’ intrigue in terms of physical intimacy. You conveyed this particularly well in the sentence, ‘The narrow aisles and need to socially distance from others kept him right on my heels, so tantalisingly close.’"

Aww shucks. Somebody else who also likes the Coles part, eh? I also appreciate Carly was able to pick up on the "will they, won't they" mental game I didn't have a word for until now. A tantalising, teasing experience!

"The Club X visit I thought this was a really good way to talk about the strangeness of basically having allusions to erotic sensory experience all around you without being able to properly access it. I will love to see a description of the experience of being in the shop—even thoughts on the kind of the displays/aesthetic of it!"

I was a little afraid of discussing Club X since it's such a huge can of worms and I initially concealed the truth because I didn't want to deal with that complexity and risk the word count. If I can work my way smoothly in with a talk about a lack of intimacy and such, I could do this. "Screams of the damned" (the description I used on the day for some unknown voices) is too good to pass up!

"As an aside adult store sales have been thriving since lockdown, so I think it could be another way to link your personal stories with wider social issues about the need for touch and intimacy."

 An important issue for me is my long-distance relationship. Despite the intimate partners rule, suddenly many relationships have gone from physical to LDR. I see a lot of RMIT Love Letters discussing this issue. I feel like the sex store statistics is definitely a good idea to include.

"Finally, the piece left me with the feeling of wanting to know what happens next; will you see G again?; What will it be like when you finally get to hug your boyfriend again? So you’ve defiantly created that itch!"

Awww! I'm touched. I think these feelings help show this is a story in progress, a few snapshots of time in someone's life. "But a poem is never actually finished. It just stops moving" as Sayori says from Doki Doki Literature Club, yee!

"I’m excited to see how you further develop this piece during the semester."

 OwO!!! AAAAA

Overall, main takeaways is that there's a few structural edits I should make. I'm very happy Carly got my piece! I'm glad the emotional parts of it reached her! It helps me believe I'm definitely going in the right direction!

Section 2 (Friday): David's Feedback - Thoughts & Comments!

Positive Aspects: 

1. I very much like the open, straightforward style of narration, which feels very authentic and un-self-conscious. 

I'm glad David liked this form of narration, which felt real and un-self-conscious. Nonfiction's been a big challenge for me because it's quite daunting to tell a wider public your secrets and all. They're faceless but I have to remember that they're not.

Still, I wanted to go all-out for this project! If raw emotion (in this type of piece) is what reaches people, then I want to nail it!

2. I really liked the ending, with its ‘hug’ of both empathy and artificial affection—it is sweet, in a good way.

Phew. So glad the hug was a good end. I did feel it was a bit rushed and a bit quickly-made-up. It's like what I do in exams, I tend to write the introduction carefully as my brain works in the background to compose my body paragraphs fully. By the end, my handwriting is huge and rushed, and I usually end up with 20 minutes to spare. I then reassess my conclusion and write it neatly, hehe. It's like this scene from Sonic X, when Sonic reaches the finish line in a race first, but jumps back to do it in time with his opponent!

Anyway, I hope to do more justice for this ending in the future.

3. The central theme of touch, and touch deprivation and its effects, is clear and really well developed throughout. It makes the essay very moving. I also like the incorporation of medical research about the need for touch.

I'm glad the theme of touch was clear and well-developed. I'm not really sure still what ah, I should make the central theme, since I played around with the structure in my new, close-to-final draft, but I can always centralise on touch if I need to... (okay these comments are written from the time in which I've fully finished the close-to-final draft but I'm pretending most of them don't have knowledge of the close-to-final draft yet...)

Suggestions for Improvement:

1. I’m not convinced about the opening; it is not particularly strong. Where else might it start? Perhaps with: ‘There’s an academic calendar taped to my closet door beside my bed…’ and that section?

Not much to say here, I understand. Beginning with the calendar gives me a good idea on how I can bookend my piece, given the announcement to extend the state of emergency this week...

2. At the moment it is very linear and diary-like – what would happen if it were not in strictly chronological order – e.g. you go back to ‘At first I (had) found the humourous irony in the situation..’… I think it’s worth playing with some rearrangement to see what it could bring.

Alright, might as well have a play. I can see how it's boring, I just don't want to confuse my viewers, is all! But if I make dates and such clear, I shouldn't lose them like that.

3. There is a really nice ambiguity in the ‘date’ with G, the desire for touch with him, the fact that it’s approved by (faraway) N.- and how the experience is so heightened by the pandemic lockdown, the thrilling risks of touch. (In case you want to include any other reflections on this?)

Yeah... I think it would be nice to reflect on these things more. The desperate need for touch. Envy of my sister. I'll work on this!