Playing with and Reflecting on Forms & Approaches (31/07)

In Retrospect 5
This post contains relevant excerpts from [CLASS] #6: Friday July 31st Class.

I cut out all of the irrelevant parts in the original post to present for my Folio here. The 2nd Section (from the original post) is a highly productive one, where I played around with voices and different approaches, plus adding in more detail surrounding the Melbourne Central event I would later come to further write about. The 3rd Section, the Pomodoro Reflection, is where I express excitement over using the Psychoanalytical Report approach, and reason it is because I feel more comfortable behind an unclear persona - the reader wouldn't be able to concretely tell if Subject 3 really is me, because I, as the writer, have distanced myself from them. It could be about someone else. Towards the end, I did admit some hesitance over this Subject 3 idea, thinking it was a "cheap" tactic, not sincere. I wonder if it's truly the right form for me -- but I wouldn't know until I wrote it.

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Section 2: Playing with Forms & Approaches

Throughout the morning session, we played around with different forms and ways of approaching our essays.

Writing Exercise - "You" Direct Language
Heya.

How're you holding up in quarantine, down here in Victoria? Watching some Netflix? Doing some exercise? Cleaning?

Staying. Home?

I hope so. Because for fuck's sake, I hope we can wrangle ourselves in to suppress this goddamn virus so we can go out again. I already didn't have complete faith in humanity to behave like responsible adults, but I still can't believe how utterly stupid some people have become.

You've seen the news, right? Police discover a huge party because of a tall order of KFC? That one giant Eid party that had to be shut down. People travelling from Victoria to Queensland during the pandemic, which has now started the latest cluster there as of when I'm writing this, July 31st, 2020.

Christ. Can people give up their own selfish desires for a few months and stay away?

Haaah. Admittedly, this kinda seems like the first time modern civilisation has had to do it on a global scale.

In-depth Report
8:40am - Subject 3 wakes up from Subject 4's alarm. Subject 4 opens her school laptop and enters her Google classroom on loudspeaker. Unable to return to sleep, Subject 3 is now scrolling through her phone.

9:00am - Subject 4 is using Snapchat during class. Subject 3 is viewing the latest page of a manga genre, searching for something to read.

9:30am - Subject 4 is still using Snapchat in class. Subject 3 is reading.

Imperative Mode - Every sentence is an instruction
Pass through the Myki ticket gate. Notice your guy friend/crush standing by Coles Central. Condition your heart to accelerate and your body temperature to rise by 2°C. Step forward. Watch as he comes dangerously close to you. Yearn for a hug. Notice other people. Suppress that urge.

Walk into Coles.

Interrogative Mode - Every sentence is a question
Why? Why today? Why does Milligram have to be closed? But Google said it was open? Does he seem bored? What are you going to say? Will he be satisfied staring at the merchandise from here? Where to now? Are we really going to Dymocks? Are we walking now? Is it safe for a hug?

Speculative Mode - Writing about something you can't know
He looked at his friend curiously. She was right there, suppressing the urge for a hug. Why wasn't she asking? Well, maybe they could have one later.

Oh, wait. "Would you want to um... have a hug?" She said it. There isn't any people around. He blinked at her in surprise. Maybe even delight.

"Yeah, sure." He said. He opened his arms a split second before her and embraced her. Ah. She was big in his arms. But warm.

Preposition Writing - Above/Beyond & Report Style
Over the course of several weeks, Subject 3's spirit has been wearing down. They find it increasingly more difficult to study and instead continue to procrastinate and look for excuses to do other things. A vast majority of the time, she masturbates when her sister leaves for work. Subject 3 has been speaking to G and he's been negotiating with her on a day out. Subject 3 is reluctant to accept, thinking it might be wise to save it as a reward after finishing all of her assessment tasks, but her boyfriend, N, is encouraging her to take the opportunity.

Section 3: Pomodoro Reflection - Forms & Approaches

You brought in words, and shook it up. With the knowledge you have now, where are you going to go with your essay? Will you start anew, or if you're happy with what you have now, how do you want to keep going?

Okay, so... I'm very excited that I've got a really fantastic idea of where this essay is going and what it's going to look like.

I ... had great fun with the report style. I used timestamps for it at first, but I didn't know where I was going to insert my facts. However, writing it as one big summary, maybe case file, tying the bigger/state events as reasoning behind my, or rather, a 19 year old Subject 3's actions, might be a good approach. It helps me to detach myself from making it too personal and I think it will make it easier to overcome any vulnerable barriers trying to prevent me from saying something embarrassing. This already happened as I've had to cut out some super embarrassing bits from this blog post by how much I ran my mouth, like my paper and this anthology is my best friend. 

I had already drafted fragments of my essay but now I want to start collecting news articles over the past couple of months in line with Subject 3's timeline of events to provide reasons for her behaviour. I think this is the most natural way of linking these things and if it's a comprehensive report, it plays into my strengths of having a plan in the first place.

Now that I say all of that though, I do need to consider if my message that humans behave irregularly in these irregular, unprecedented times will stay preserved. It was supposed to be the audience behind the writer, watching her react to the world and then watching her actions, like a nesting doll, or that meme of the people sitting in church with guns pointed at a person like in a conga line. But now, perhaps the new stance could be how these times change an individual radically, and gauge how they will be after the fact. Comparing herself from last year to this year can fit in nicely too.

I think this exercise has confirmed that I much prefer being behind the "safety" of the pen instead of being on the page, talking about myself directly. I've never felt comfortable about writing my own experiences in this way because I thought that people wouldn't care about them. But if I can write myself as a "subject" from the safety of the pen as a detached person, this becomes much easier.

Talking about my discomfort with being on the page myself actually links to a blog idea I had yesterday. I was discussing with my boyfriend why I had an apparent aversion to personal nonfiction. I ultimately realised that it was because I felt like nonfiction writers were... narcissistic. I personally feel as though you can only write nonfiction if you have something truly important to say, and if you don't, like I feel I do, I shouldn't. Who would want to read about a girl who sits and browses Youtube all day, you get me? This issue might come from a lack of self esteem or that I don't feel I have anything world-changing to say, maybe that hasn't been said before as well.

I feel like announcing yourself as a nonfiction writer is like saying, "I think people should listen to my opinions, because they are good and I have valuable insight." There is no doubt that there are some people online who feel that way about themselves but for me, I don't want to have that imaginary spotlight, or that bright, shiny badge of declaration. I know it isn't entirely true either, but it's just... my biased opinion.

Now, as a nonfiction writer for this course, I do feel like I've cheated out myself with this omnipotent report idea, but it is nonfiction at the root of it all. I can't deny that it's what it talks about, it is creative nonfiction. I just found a way for me to more readily approach it.